Mother’s Day After Loss
Mother’s Day approaches yet again, bringing with it bittersweet emotions. My relationship with this particular holiday is unpredictable. Sometimes it goes by without fanfare. Usually however, weeks before the day, my mind focuses on the fact that I am a daughter who lost her mother as a child and grief is yet again revisited. Then I remember that I am also a mother, that I have 4 children, and Mother’s Day is for me too.
While this day is meant to celebrate the beautiful bond between mothers and their children, for those of us who have experienced the early loss of a mother, it can bring a complex mix of emotions.
As Mother’s Day approaches every year I am filled with an awareness of what’s to come. I know the ache of her absence will be intensified on that day. The onslaught of email marketing and social media posts that project images of the perfect mother child celebrations on Mother’s Day can be painful for motherless daughters and sons. In the past few years this has now been recognized by some websites and retailers who offer the ability to opt out of reminder emails and mailings.
As I navigate Mother's Day as both a mother and a daughter who has lost her own mother, I've learned a few things along the way:
Remember: The love I feel for my children reminds me that my mother loved me too, in that all encompassing, unconditional way that only mothers can love.
Connect: Becoming a mother connected me with my mother in ways that were unexpected. I can see her in each of my children but also in myself and how I parent.
Allow joy: My children want to celebrate with me. We have created our own Mother’s Day traditions like buying flowers for our garden.
Allow grief: Making space for grief that arises with self compassion. Some years may be more overwhelming than others. Name what arises and lean in. Emotions are like weather. They are neither good nor bad and they come and go.
Be flexible: If you make plans for Mother’s Day, give yourself permission to leave early or opt out completely. It’s impossible to know in advance just how you will feel on that day.
Find support: You are not alone. Find comfort with other motherless daughters and sons. There are local or online support groups as well as one on one help. If you are really struggling, reach out and ask for help.
Is Mother’s Day hard for you too?
Everyone needs companionship in grief. Family and friends can help, but sometimes you need someone who won’t give you platitudes, tell you to cheer up, or give you a timeline to follow.
If you are struggling with the upcoming Mother’s Day, remember you are not alone, it’s okay to grieve, and seeking help is a sign of strength.
I can support you working through grief. Coaching can help you find your resilience so that you can grieve fully while living fully.
Please leave a comment and join the conversation!
How is Mother’s Day for you?